So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize