Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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