i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
