Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
