i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
