I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
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