my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
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