Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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