I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Randomize
