Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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