I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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