You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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