We won't sleep together?
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Are we still banned from the library?
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
