I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Randomize
