Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
