just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
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