Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I just found puke in my bra..
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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