He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
how does that bad decision feel?
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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