Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize