Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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