i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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