Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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