I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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