He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
