Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
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