1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
