You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize