I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
