I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
