is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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