I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
people are starting to question the shark bite story
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
