I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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