Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
