Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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