Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
