her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
