Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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