kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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