Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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