My room smells like vodka and shame
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
My liver just had a heart attack.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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