a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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