She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Just high enough for therapy.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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