Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Randomize
