she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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