My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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