that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
