You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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