The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
