So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Randomize
