I think I can smell my own vagina right now
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
