my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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