His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize