Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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