Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
